Anonymity in fandom...

I have no talent for anonymity, I've decided. Or not enough patience. Or a frustration with compartmentalising. (An inability to compartmentalise...? No, that can't be right.)

Anyway. When I created this journal, I went with my newest fan pseud - Harlequin - and created a new job description - slashweaver. But I decided not to mention earlier fan pseuds, or identify myself further to anyone who didn't already know me. Despite which, I still listed Pete Murray and rugby league as my other interests... I'm sure that interests in slash fan fic, Aussie singer-songwriter hunks and Aussie footy hunks do intersect in at least one or two others, but I was already narrowing down the search results.

And then what do I do...? I start talking about the novel I'm writing, that I want to one day publish professionally under my 'real' name... And of course if (when!) that day comes, I will be delightedly announcing as much, and telling you all the novel's title, etc etc. One of my writerly LJ friends (dear narrelle ) calls it 'shameless self promotion' when she does it, and I hope I will absolutely follow her example. So then my cover will be totally blown, even if my real name is never mentioned - and anyone nosy enough to Google me or my book will then discover that this newly published professional author has and still does write porn and disrespects copyright.

I realise I am having a bit of a blurt here. I also realise it's nothing that others haven't already considered. It's nothing that you, dear reader, have not thought about yourself. Perhaps I am asking for the reassurance of any wisdom you have to hand.

What really raised the issue for me now is that I want to start putting my old slash stories on my website, and I will of course invite you all to read them. And then you'll know, if you care - of course I am not assuming that you give a toss, really! - then you'll know. Not that I am vain enough to think anyone else has really noticed me over the years, except for my closest friends.

I got into fandom 20-some years ago. Back in the days of zines. I headed straight into slash fandom. (So to speak!) This was in Australia, and while there were some visible and vocal slash fans, it was still a bit on the fringe. Zines sold under the table, and so on. Tolerated by most of the mainstream, as long as we behaved with relative decency at cons, and so on.

I am mostly a fannish multi-media butterly, flitting here and there between universes, from tv shows to movies to books and back again. But my first big fandom was Buckaroo Banzai. And seeing as all the characters in that universe had pseuds themselves, we fans all adopted them, too. Mine was Stew, drawing on my musical obsessions. (Stewart Copeland, you know! Which later led to the rather odd situation of my Copeland-fandom name being Stew, and his being Klark Kent... Anyway. I digress.) But I soon put out a Banzai zine myself - Samurai Errant - for which people needed to know my real name, as money was involved, and addresses, etc. It felt a little risky, but because zines were mostly only available to other fans who already knew what to expect, then there was little chance of you being outed to a wider audience. It was an open secret within fandom who I was, of course, but the pseud did help add a level of security beyond that.

Later I felt I outgrew Stew, and renamed myself Julien. Further zines ensued - Homosapien, Pure Maple Syrup, Espresso. And I loved zines. Partly because I like reading things on paper - I love books - and partly because of the editing process. (I feel so old. The beta-ing process, bless it, didn't seem much in evidence in the early days of the net. Plus I do admit you can find a lot of rubbish in zines, too.)

I resisted the internet when it came along. Partly because then it's Out There. Anyone can stumble onto you.

But then I kind of dropped out of fandom anyway, and over four years ago I moved to England, and pretty much went into hibernation. I wrote thousands and thousands of words of RPS about rugby league players, which shall Never See the Light of Day! I just can't bring myself to cross the line and publish those stories. I have no argument with those who do circulate RPS, but I have decided mine should remain in my bottom drawer. But, you know, hibernation.

The embarrassing thing was that a work colleague of mine in England Googled me, and came up with some references to some long-ago fan fic of mine. Even though I've only ever written under a pseud. Even the most well-intentioned might innocently mention one name and not another, and there you are. Being Googled, and asked about your 'interesting' stories over lunch in the work canteen... This wasn't a really dire situation, and nothing came of it, but it did bring the issue home to me.

But, you know. I give up! I'd rather not actually type my real name here, but some of you already know it. In any case, now you know - if you have bothered reading this far - all my fannish identities.

So why am I posting this? I don't know. Opening up the fannish anonymity closet that probably needn't have been closed in the first place.

Just letting it all hang out here... So now I wonder if this is my first real blog entry!